Adoption Talk at The Melting Pot
Last night, ZGuy and I went to celebrate our DTC status by pigging out at The Melting Pot. We had a wonderful four course meal that left us stuffed well into this morning.
While eating, both our server and the restuarant manager asked us if we were there to celebrate anything (I get the impression that lots of people go to The Melting Pot for special occasions, probably because it so darn expensive), and we told them about our DTC status. They were very congratulatory, and the manager even said that he and his wife were thinking about adopting at some point.
What was particularly interesting about their responses to us was their assumption that our decision to adopt was based on a desire to save the orphans and help needy kids. Our server told us that we were "good people" for adopting, and the manager said that he respected our way of "ministering." In actuality, we decided to adopt not to be charitable but to start a family. We just wanted a kid and couldn't have one the old fashioned way. After considering our remaining options, adoption seemed like the best path for us. The server and manager seemed very nice and genuine, though, so we just smiled and said thanks and didn't explain the "real" reason for our decision.
Based on comments made by other China a-aparents, this type of response is not unusual. Lots of them have gotten it. Although it is true that the primary motivation of many a-parents to adopt is give orphaned kids a home, many others decide to adopt because, like us, they simply want to be parents.
I have more to say on this topic, but I don't have time right now to write a longer post. I'll continue this post later.
While eating, both our server and the restuarant manager asked us if we were there to celebrate anything (I get the impression that lots of people go to The Melting Pot for special occasions, probably because it so darn expensive), and we told them about our DTC status. They were very congratulatory, and the manager even said that he and his wife were thinking about adopting at some point.
What was particularly interesting about their responses to us was their assumption that our decision to adopt was based on a desire to save the orphans and help needy kids. Our server told us that we were "good people" for adopting, and the manager said that he respected our way of "ministering." In actuality, we decided to adopt not to be charitable but to start a family. We just wanted a kid and couldn't have one the old fashioned way. After considering our remaining options, adoption seemed like the best path for us. The server and manager seemed very nice and genuine, though, so we just smiled and said thanks and didn't explain the "real" reason for our decision.
Based on comments made by other China a-aparents, this type of response is not unusual. Lots of them have gotten it. Although it is true that the primary motivation of many a-parents to adopt is give orphaned kids a home, many others decide to adopt because, like us, they simply want to be parents.
I have more to say on this topic, but I don't have time right now to write a longer post. I'll continue this post later.
posted by zgirl at 11:50 AM
8 Comments:
"Ministering?" For reals? Wow. I think I might have told him, “Yep, plus we weren’t sure we would be getting into heaven, so we decided we needed to up our odds. We're a shoe in now, right?!” Holy crap. (Holy crap? Ha HA!!!)
Yeah, the whole ministering comment threw us a bit. He was actually quite nice and very excited to be talking to someone in the process of adopting, so we didn't feel offended by his comments or anything. Mainly, we were just fascinated that his worldview was such that he just assumed that we were adopting for religious reasons. Also, we hadn't personally experienced that type of comment before, so we haven't had time to lose patience with it yet. LOL.
Yikes! Pardon my bad grammar in that last comment. One thing that frustrates me about blogger is the inability to edit comments.
Personally I am sick of these comments. I also HATE when they tell Madeline how lucky she is right in front of us and her! Irritating! We wanted a child and adoption was our method to get one. Frankly, she saved me just as much as I her.
Okay, so what really worries me about this type of "ministering" comment is that it represents a sort of cultural shift. I mean, there have always been obnoxious comments directed at adopting parents, but it used to be the "Oh, can't you have any of your own?" Now it seems as if there's been a shift to the "Oh, she's so lucky that you saved her" or the "I respect your way of ministering." It makes me shudder to think of what the larger implications are behind this verbal shift.
That's what I want to write more about, Sbird. His comment reflected not only a personal view but also a broader social and cultural view that seems to be getting more pervasive. Why is that? How/When did this view of adoption become into being in such a widespread way? (This would make a good book project, assuming it hasn't been done already).
Like I said, the reason why I wasn't annoyed at his comment was because I hadn't encountered it before, and the anthropoogist in me sort of viewed it through an academic lens.
If I continue to get comments like this, however, I may start to lose my patience. Especially if people say it to me when my future kid is around.
Maybe it's because the image most Americans have about China is that Chinese girls are not wanted and are being abandoned in the street, or worse. So it is perhaps easy to perceive an adopting couple choosing China as their source because of an altruistic motive.
Anon: actually, the manager praised us for our ministering before he knew we were adopting from China and even before he even knew we were adoptiong internationally. He just knew that we were adopting, so it was the very act of doing so (regardless of from where) that he viewed as ministering.
That is what fascinated me so much about his comments. Based on my limited knowledge of the topic, international adoption in the U.S. became more popularized by the Holts' efforts in the 1970s (maybe before this?) to increase Korean adoptions in the U.S. Their efforts were very much couched in Lutheran/religious rhetoric. So from that perspective, it makes sense that public conceptions of and motivations to adopt internationally might be shaped by that cultural legacy.
But to view domestic adoption/adoption in general as a form of ministering--that is what seems to indicate some sort of cultural shift in the meaning of adoption in recent years.
Like I said, however, I don't know much about the history of adoption in the U.S. and the various ways its meaning has been constructed over time, so I'm just basing my interprtations on limited knowledge. If I find out more information about adoption history, I will most certainly write about it, as it interests me very much.
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